my social life

talaco

7:34AM - hungry

i didn't know how dry my lips have become until i licked them and tasted what seemed to be a mouthful of blood.

it's been crazy windy and cold these past few nights and i really despise how allergic i am to cats because i want one to sleep on my lap while i drink hot chocolate. did i tell you how vivid my dreams have been lately? it's so easy for me to wake up and then fall back asleep, returning to the exact spot where i left it. that is why i'm awake right now, since i slept in until three-thirty in the afternoon.

ultra violent lolita, babypanda, swandildo, drtenge, haunted-girl... these blogs have been taking up much of my time. so horribly addicting and i find that i can scroll through hundreds of pages for hours. i think i've seen more cum/dildo/(insert object) filled vaginas, exploding heads and under-aged looking japanese girls wearing one-piece bathing suits than i ever wanted to see. it's fascinating how desensitized you can become through images because they're just images–– real life flattened into pixels. it makes everything seem less real.

i had to download hiroaki samura's brute love. some of the pages have been floating around here and there but once all the 105 pages are put together... it becomes the bible of female degradation. so epic and violent and atrocious that i almost admire the artist for having the guts to publish it. fantasies are meant to be private, at least the kind that could make you seem like a deranged woman hating piece of shit. maybe it is a bit crazy to think that he isn't that person who sits on a train and dreams of raping and torturing the girls he sees, but i'd like to meet him one day and ask if he ever had a girlfriend.

bloviates

2:10AM

"I'm a failed poet. Maybe every novelist wants to write poetry first, finds he can't and then tries the short story, which is the most demanding form after poetry. And, failing at that, only then does he take up novel writing." --Faulkner

I would like to live somewhere south. Where one goes barefoot. Wrinkles and a straw hat, dust everywhere. The cost of living is so low- a dollar a day or something. In the middle of nowhere, in some beautiful dry heat, or at least near a body of water. People come and go, like dreams, and I dream like it is real. During the day-- a vegetable garden, a market, a stray dog or two and at night a keyboard and hands and fingers rolling like waves. A cup of tea. A warm heart. Hand-written letters, parcels in brown paper.

I don't think I will go to graduate school. I can see myself: flabby and anemic. Disconnected and starved. Cheap thrills. The approval of superiors. A kind of watchfulness all round. Trying to make like Kant-- make my life like clockwork in the hope that it will produce something if I swear to be exacting, if I promise precision. Solutions for non-problems. Growing old with an attempt at dignity but feeling so root bound, like everything is curling in on itself. All these indirect means of getting what I want. All these indirect steps towards where I'd like to be.

There would be hardly anyone around me at all. People would come and go like dreams: touch and let go. Touch and let go. Synapses sparking and a sea of insects at night. Outnumbered! shalom, oh bright-eyed ones.

anditgoeslike

1:42PM

But seriously. Don't go gently into that what's-a-ma-jick. Rage, rage against the machine. Here's the key to my apartment.

anditgoeslike

4:03PM

How do you pronounce Seinäjoki? I read it like, 'sine·uh·YO·key'. Why do I do that? What's correct?

anditgoeslike

3:54PM

TIME
SENSITIVE
LOVE

anditgoeslike

12:20PM

There's a tall black man who wears a tweed suit and a bow-tie standing on the corner of Airways and Lamar holding up bags of fruit in the morning. Apples and bananas, mostly. He may wear glasses. I've never seen him sell something. It's one of those things. You see someone you think you understand. Why do you want to be friends with them? Be friends with me on Facebook, the Jungian realm of shadows and projection. I don't deal fruit, I spilled applesauce all down my new blouse today. Actually, it's an old blouse, but I never had the nerve to wear it before today. That'll teach me. I'm cleanin' up my act.

odetothepillow

12:47AM - Cape Cod Chronicles: Us

WATCH IT AT FULL SCREEN OR ELSE...

anditgoeslike

10:46PM

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